Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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