Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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