I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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