The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize