Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
