I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
