she woke up with a sticky ear
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
