I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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