I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
