We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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