How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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