Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
