i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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