That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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