I wish I could punch you in the face.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
