I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
