Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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