I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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