I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
