i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
