please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
