so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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