on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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