i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
