We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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