what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
