You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
