you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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