well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
