Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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