doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
