I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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