Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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