My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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