I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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