I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize