Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
is wine microwaveable?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
