My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
