Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
