i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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