Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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