haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
did i just pee glitter
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
