I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
