So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize