The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
