Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
