My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
