Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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