just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My life is pants optional.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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