they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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