I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize