The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
my penis made a compromise with my morals
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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