I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
false alarm. still invincible.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
