y did u give ur computer a hand job?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
