We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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