you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
